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WATERBURY, CT - A fourth grade Oakville student has been expelled from a Waterbury school for bringing a toy gnu onto the property. The action falls under the school district's 'zero tolerance' policy, according to administrators. Officials
believe the student, who is dyslexic, tried to intentionally break the policy...
LIVINGSTON, TX - A prisoner on Texas' death row was released today after prison officials failed to produce enough documentation to keep him behind bars. The prisoner, known as 'Old Joe', is thought to have been on death row since the 1950's, although
no records of his trial, conviction or appeals could be found in prison archives.
PROVIDENCE, RI - Oscar, the nursing home cat who could seemingly sense the impending death of patients, was found dead early yesterday. The cat gained recent notoriety when reports of his ability to detect the impending death of the terminally ill became public. Seemingly aware that death was at hand, Oscar would reportedly climb into the bed of patients during their final hours...
DETROIT, MI - The final resting place of the recently buried 'n-word' was desecrated by vandals overnight, according to police reports. The 'n-word' was buried during a ceremony
by the National African-American Coalition of People at their recent convention, in a symbolic effort to end the slur's use. The derogatory term's coffin was a simple pine box, covered with black roses,
and pulled to the cemetery by a team of white horses....
MIAMI, FL - A congressional group concerned about the effects of climate change will make a proposal in Congress to combat rising sea levels by making the oceans deeper. The group,
led by Representative Colleen Brown - FL, will present the legislation both as a solution to one of the consequences of global warming, as well as a huge public works project to provide a stimulus to the sluggish economy...
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM - The International Space Nomenclature Council today adopted the term 'emplacements de hauts gravité super' - or 'super high gravity locations' - as the official replacement name for black holes.
Originally named in reference to the fact that light cannot escape their intense gravity, the term 'black hole' was increasingly criticized as being insensitive to African-Americans and African-Europeans...
LOS ALAMOS, NM - The Army announced today that the first successful F-Bomb test has taken place in the New Mexico desert. The F-Bomb - which is not nuclear but still produces a mushroom cloud - was begun after the above ground testing ban treaty in the 1960's. "There was
a lot of research left undone." according to Dr. Renaldo Hererra, chief of Munitions Linguistics at Los Alamos. "We went straight from the A-Bomb to the H-Bomb, omitting everything in between...
SEATTLE, WA - The City Council has voted unanimously to ban Dick Cheney costumes inside the city limits, citing the likeness as 'too frightening'. The ruling came three days after a traffic incident that involved a male driver wearing the costume, injuring
four people. A woman driving alongside claims the sight of the mask caused her to drive into oncoming traffic...
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