Page 3 Girl - Ashley Gellar
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NEW YORK, NY - Responding to rumors of unrest over his assignment as sideline reporter during the NFL playoffs, NBC's Tiki Barber issued a statement today embracing his new role, promising newfound enthusiasm for the remainder of the postseason. "I plan to dedicate the new phase of my career to Armen Katayen."
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CHICAGO, IL - Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich today signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Nike apparel. Spokesmen for the Governor say the deal has been in negotiations for months, and may have been mistaken for attempts to sell a Senate nomination. The agreement, rumored to be valued as high as an appeals court appointment, is valid as long as Blagojevich
(full story here)
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CINCINNATI, OH - After months of pouring through data from sports publications and websites - as well as fan blogs and forums - The Daily Redundancy has determined the NFL's 10 homeliest cheerleaders for 2008. In an effort to raise awareness of the NFL's dirty little secret regarding homely girls, polls and surveys for the best looking cheerleaders were analyzed to determine which girls received little or no votes. See results here. Once again, our research confirms the presence of at least one homely girl on each NFL squad.
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WASHINGTON, DC - President elect Barack Obama's nomination of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State has all but ensured Bill Clinton's return to the Washington political scene. His role in the new administration has yet to be determined, however, Ms. Clinton hinted that she may prefer that Bill stay close to home. When asked if she would send Bill abroad, an irritated Ms Clinton quickly tabled the discussion.
(full story here)
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TALLAHASSEE, FL - In anticipation of another close presidential race in Florida, the Department of State yesterday fired all poll workers statewide named Chad. Department officials, desperately trying to avoid the unacceptable behavior of Chads eight years ago, made the move one day before what is expected to be a record breaking
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SUN CITY, AZ - Police in this normally peaceful retirement community are bracing for the possibility of violence in the wake of the upcoming presidential election. Investigators believe that if Republican candidate John McCain loses, widespread rioting is possible, particularly at local golf resorts and in buffet restaurants. The situation underscores
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ATLANTA, GA - Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama today unveiled a new facet of his education plan: a progressive tax on grade point averages. The move dovetails with Obama's long term plan to "spread the intelligence around", and could open up scholarship possibilities for students currently in danger of failing their next class.
(full story here)
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WASHINGTON, DC - In what is perhaps a first glimpse into his post-presidential life, George W. Bush today announced plans to produce a film about Oliver Stone. Sources say the project is merely satire, and only very loosely based on the acclaimed director / producer's life. In it, the filmmaker falls on hard times due to the sluggish economy, and is reduced to making low-budget political hit pieces to pay off gambling debts and support a raging cocaine habit.
(full story here)
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CHICAGO, IL - Democrat presidential nominee Barack Obama filed paperwork today to legally change his middle name to 'Billy Ray'. Campaign officials say the move was to portray how folksy Obama is, and to make his name more indicative of his true identity. It is unclear what Obama's middle name used to be, as it apparently has never been mentioned by the Obama campaign.
(full story here)
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WASHINGTON, DC - In a compromise to the proposed bailout of the financial industry, Congress today approved the buyout of online stock trading giant E-Trade, and the popular video hosting site YouTube. The takeovers, at an estimated cost of $600 billion, are aimed at settling fears that the government bailout of the financial markets
(full story here)
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NORFOLK, VA - The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals today issued a statement demanding a ban on the practice of placing lipstick on pigs. The custom, widely referenced in retail sales and politics, is believed to be on the rise due to a surprising amount of media attention
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CHICAGO, IL - In yet another startling revelation regarding Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, sources close to the campaign of Democrat nominee Barack Obama have discovered that Palin is good looking, and has been most of her adult life. The news underscores Obama's claim that Palin is not suited for Washington politics, and raises further questions
(full story here)
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WASHINGTON, DC - The Occupational Safety and Health Administration issued a ruling today requiring all warning signs to carry warning labels, effective immediately. The requirements apply to all warning signs placed since 1974, and call for stiff fines for non-compliance. The Administration hopes the move will help stem the growing warning sign injury
(full story here)
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