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IF YOUR BIRTHDAY IS TODAY - Beware of fire and pastry. If you find yourself in the prescence of both, douse yourself with a carbonated beverage and
turn around conterclockwise three times. Then face east and howl like a monkey as loudly as possible for fifteen seconds. Happy birthday!
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 LEO July 23 - August 22 Fire sign ruled by the Sun
A Taurus will attempt to squirt you with chocolate sauce today. If they succeed, you must clip the toenails of a Gemini to avoid further attacks. Lucky number: 114,764. |
 VIRGO August 23 - September 22 Earth sign ruled by Mercury
A Pisces will put a ketchup packet near you today and stomp on it. If the ketchup hits you, avoid bad luck by hitting a Scorpio with a wad of paper without them seeing you. Lucky number: 13. |
 LIBRA September 23 - October 22 Air sign ruled by Venus
A very pale Saggitarius will follow you today. If you cannot lose him within one hour, to avoid bad luck you must hit an Aquarius with a rubber band. Lucky number: 0. |
 SCORPIO October 23 - November 21 Water sign ruled by Pluto
If you are mysteriously hit by a wad of paper today, it was thrown by a Virgo. Retaliate by throwing a pie in the face of a Capricorn. Lucky number: 123,456. |
 SAGGITARIUS November 22 - December 21 Fire sign ruled by Jupiter
A Gemini will throw a fistfull of flour on you today. To avoid bad luck, do not wash it off until you have followed a Libra for one hour. Lucky number: 413,890. |
 CAPRICORN December 22 - January 19 Earth sign ruled by Saturn
A Scorpio will attempt to hit you in the face with a pie. To avoid this, dump a bucket of water on a Taurus. Lucky number: -1. |
 AQUARIUS January 20 - February 18 Water sign ruled by Uranus
A Libra will shoot rubber bands at you today. If you are hit, you must throw pasta on a Moon Child or bad luck will befall you. Lucky number: 813,076. |
 PISCES February 19 - March 20 Water sign ruled by Neptune
An Aires will yell at you today for apparently no reason. Do not yell back. Stomp on a ketchup packet near a Virgo to dispel your anger. Lucky number: 999,999 |
 AIRES March 21 - April 19 Fire sign ruled by Mars
A Moon Child will offer to cut your hair today. Accept, because he will cut it anyway. Yell at a Pisces for 15 seconds and your hair will grow back quickly. Lucky number: Q. |
 TAURUS April 20 - May 20 Earth sign ruled by Venus
A Capricorn will dump a bucket of water on you today. You can prevent this from happening by sqiurting chocolate sauce on a Leo. Lucky number: 234,891. |
 GEMINI May 21 - June 21 Air sign ruled by Mercury
A Leo will offer to clip your toenails today. Allow them to, and then throw a fistful of flour on a Saggitarius for good luck. Lucky number: 755,094. |
 MOON CHILD June 22 - July 22 Water sign ruled by the Moon
An Aquarius will throw pasta at you today. You can avoid being hit by cutting a lock of hair from an Aires. Lucky number: 117. |
