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YOU KILL ME - Frank (Ben Kingsley) is a hitman for a tiny Polish mob in Buffalo. Laurel (Tea Leoni) is an oft-jilted single. Dennsi Farina is an Irish gangster. Accordian music wheezes in the background. Get the picture?
Director John Dahl cut his teeth on straightforward, modern mysteries like "Red Rock West"; his femme fatale thriller, "The Last Seduction," remains a minor classic. Even when he's overreached himself (the gambling melodrama "Rounders," the old-fashioned war epic "The Great Raid"), he's always been able to snap back to basics with white-knuckle pictures like "Joy Ride."
But this for-hire job, with a script by "Chronicles of Narnia" writers Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely, has the feel of a pet project which has been sitting around for a while -- and for good reasons. Like any one of Frank's nights, it goes down easy at first, and has a few good shocks. But eventually it's just too much of a bad thing -- and only leaves you wondering why you began it at all.
At least they whack a few people. Bob gives it 1 finger.
 Rating: R for violence, strong language and alcohol abuse
Running Time: 92 minutes
Directed By: John Dahl
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SHOOTOUT AT LOKHANDWALA - After a successful, bloody raid against Pakistani terrorists circa 1991, legendary Mumbai police detective Aftab Ahmed Khan (Sanjay Dutt) creates a new, SWAT-like unit designed to attack the mobsters who are terrorizing the city, transforming crime scenes into free fire zones.
Hundreds of cops surround a downtown apartment building containing six of the city's most-wanted thugs, while the resulting gun battle becomes a live TV spectacular. The flamboyant hand of producer Sanjay Gupta, the genre-movie gourmand who directed Kaante and Musafir, is unmistakable in jet-propelled action and chase sequences that feel like the mutant offspring of John Woo and Costa-Gavras.
Wait, is this Pakistan or LA? Who cares - it's a shootout on live television. Bob gives it 4 fingers.
 Rating: Not Rated
Running Time: 1 hour 45 minutes
Directed By: Apoorva Lakhia
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CHEENI KUM - Move over Babu Bhatt, Cheeni Kum's moving in. The story of 64 year old restauranteur Amitabh (played by Buddhadev Gupta) and his romance of 34 year old Tabu (played by Nina Verma) is set naturally in London's south side.
What makes it so authentic is that director R. Balki brilliantly films the entire movie in Hindi - with no English subtitles - making the characters seem as if they were actually Indian. 'Cheeni Kum', which apparently means 'less sugar', is unintelligably delightful, with language and gesticulation combinations rarely seen in the bunk currently coming out of Hollywood.
Bob says a resounding 'chup raho' (repeated often in the film) - 4 fingers.
Rating: Not Rated
Running Time: 1 hour 54 minutes
Directed By: R. Balki
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KNOCKED UP - A beatifull up-and-coming reporter winds up in a one-nighter with pudgy, marginal-lifed man-pig. Follow that with two hours of gregarious frat-house humor and we've got the attraction-of-opposites romantic comedy we've seen a hundred times before, right? Not so fast.
I'm not sure, but this movie may actually be funny. The scene at the oriental gynecologist's office is classic. Katherine Heigl throwing up on Ryan Seacrest during an interview is hilarious. And what's not funny about a bunch of Canadian guys living in Los Angeles off of a big law settlement?
Given what else is out there (see below), this one's looking pretty good. Bob gives it 3 fingers.
 Rating: R for sexual content, drug use and language
Running Time: 2 hours 9 minutes
Directed By: Judd Apatow
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YOUR MOMMY KILLS ANIMALS - Here we go - the animal rights activists against the animal welfare advocates. 'What?', you say, 'they're not the same people?'. Apparently not. This supposedly even-handed documantary attempts to show both sides of the animal rights issue, but don't let the title influence you - it's clear which images are meant to remain with you ouside the theater.
Interlaced with all the bunny hugging and puppy frolicking are scenes of evisceration and skinning of animals. Throw in gratuitous knocks on Katrina response times and the Patriot Act, and it's pretty clear who the target audience is.
This one's easy. PETA lovers will absolutely love it, PETA haters will absolutely hate it, absolutely nothing in between. Bob gives split decisions 2 fingers.
 Rating: R for animal slaughter and violence
Running Time: 1 hour 45 minutes
Directed By: Curt Johnson
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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END - The good news is that ghoulish Stones guitarist Keith Richards, apparently without makeup, does an amazing job at playing Jack Sparrow's father. The bad news is that's the only thing in this film that seems to make sense.
The rest of the film comes off as a three hour trailer for Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Everyone Comes Back From the Dead (actual title pending). Give producer Jerry Bruckheimer some credit though, it takes a kind of genius to sucker audiences into repeatedly buying the same party tricks.
Bob gives it 1 carefully selected finger.
Rating: PG-13 for scenes of intense action and violence and frightening images
Running Time: 2 hours 45 minutes
Directed By: Gore Verbinski
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PAPRIKA - Finally, the Japanese television mega-hit Paranoid Agent hits the big screen. In this anime thriller, a sinister mystery villain steals a psychotherapist's dream recording machine, and uses it to spread mass delusions upon the unsuspecting populus, hence the name paprika.
Hypnotized parades of people, plus anthropomorphized cars, geisha dolls, radios, robots, drum-banging toads, iceboxes - and yes, even the kitchen sink - begin rioting through the downtown districts, spouting non sequiturs like "the 24-bit eggplant will be analyzed" and the protest chant "the happy and mundane world will vent their anger." Brilliant.
Best movie ever! Bob gives it all four fingers.
Rating: R for violent and sexual images
Running Time: 1 hour 30 minutes
Directed By: Satoshi Kon
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SHREK THE THIRD - It's good to see Melinda Doolittle found work so quickly after being voted off Idol. Her uncanny resembalncce to Mike Myer's lovable ogre was one of the few things that made this film interesting.
As with most other trilogies, the third time is hardly ever a charm. If your seeing it because you saw the first two, you may not be disappaointed. Newcomers may find themselves confused, so just listen to the song cues and watch the donkey. He has an uncanny resemblence to Eddie Murphy.
Bob gives it 1 finger for the donkey and 1 for Melinda.
Rating: PG-13 for scenes of intense action and violence
Running Time: 2 hours 20 minutes
Directed By: Sam Raimi
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28 WEEKS LATER - The sequel to Danny Boyle's 2002 edgy '28 Days Later' - where England is nearly wiped out by zombies infected with the 'rage' virus - picks up after the carnage is over. After 28 weeks in hiding, London residents begin to rebuild the city. But - you guessed it - the zombies return.
What ensues is predictable chase scene after predictable chase scene, each trying to score and more points on the gore meter. Don't plan on eating before or after this bloodfest. As a matter of fact, just dump out the popcorn and use it as a barf bag.
Lovers of grotesque, enjoy! Bob gives this one the fist.
 Rating: R for strong violence, gore, language, sexuality
Running Time: 1 hour 39 minutes
Directed By: Juan Carlos Fresnadillo
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SPIDERMAN 3 - You will not be able to move this summer without being assaulted by the images and battered by the merchandise. The black or red spidey vote on the Burger King cups, sadly, may hold more drama. Spider-Man 3 cost a staggering quarter of a billion dollars to
assemble. But I'd be surprised if the script set the producers back much more than a fiver and a bag of cinnamon balls.
Sam Raimi's sequel is stuffed with promising plot lines, bionic new villains, expensive stunts and dazzling special effects. But it is starved of a single ounce of drama.
Why do so many of the biggest franchises fail to deliver at the third time of asking?
I'm just glad it's over. Bob gives it 1 finger just for the budget.
Rating: PG-13 for scenes of intense action and violence
Running Time: 2 hours 20 minutes
Directed By: sam Raimi
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DELTA FARCE - Down on his luck after losing his job and his girlfriend on the same day, Larry decides to join his neighbor, Bill, and his combat-happy buddy, Everett, for a relaxing weekend of drinking and target practice. But when the three hapless guys are mistaken
for Army Reservists by the hard-nosed Sergeant Kilgrove, they're loaded onto an army plane headed for Fallujah, Iraq--and mistakenly ejected in a Humvee somewhere over Mexico.
Convinced they're actually in the Middle East, the clueless wannabe soldiers save a rural village from a siege of bandits and become local heroes. But when Carlos Santana, a ruthless, karaoke-loving warlord, strikes back, Larry, Bill and Everett have to lay down their beers and
take up their arms--and prove they just might be real soldiers after all.
As long as Larry doesn't go overboard with the flatulence, this should be entertaining. Bob gives it three fingers.
Rating: PG-13 for crude and sexual humor
Running Time: 95 minutes
Directed By: C.B. Harding
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AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE COLON MOVIE FILM FOR THEATERS - Finally, a film you can sink your teeth into. In their first foray onto the big screen, Frylock, Master Shake and Meatwad make the transition seamless by simply staying in character.
Far from an attempt to create the aura of an epic, ATHF writers have created an 87 minute ride of lovable lunacy set to bombastic Phil Collins music. As far as a plot, let's just say stopping an intergalactic exercise called the Insanoflex from taking over the world pretty much
sums it up. If you're an avid fan, you'll catch bits and pieces of ATHF mythology throughout the film. If you've never seen the fast-food superheros before, fear not - those little nuggets will just blend in to the background insanity.
In the end, it's just good fun. Bob gives it 4 fingers for being different.
Rating: R for crude and sexual humor, violent images
Running Time: 87 minutes
Directed By: Matt Maiellero
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LUCKY YOU - If you're reading this trying to decide whether you want to go to this movie, then you are lucky indeed. You'd be better off betting your ticket money on 2-7 in the hole. (For you non-poker players, that's about the worst hand you could have - much like the movie.)
Poker players may actually be the only ones who might enjoy this one, because that's all it really seems about. Co-writers Curtis Hansen and Eric Roth attempt to cross the cold-hearted, ruthless world of championship poker with a romantic comedy, and end up on the felt. (That's out of money non gamblers.)
I'll save you some time. Despite warnings from her sister, Drew Barrymore gets into a relationship with 'bad boy in deep debt' Eric Bana, who's had a falling out with his legendary father, Robert Duvall. Sound interesting? That's about as good as it gets.
Fold on this one. (That means don't go, tightwads) Bob gives this one the fist.
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual humor
Running Time: 2 hours 4 minutes
Directed By: Curtis Hanson
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