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• Cheryl Ladd Voted Top 70's Babe
• Wu-Tang Clan Back On Terror List
• Mystery Man Released From Death Row
• Psychic Cat Found Dead
• N-Word' Grave Desecrated
• Officials Propose To Make Ocean Deeper
• Black Holes Renamed 'Super High Gravity Locations'
• Army Successfully Tests F-Bomb
• John Edwards To Lesbians: "I'm One Of You"
• Autopsy: Vick's Fighting Dogs Fought Back
• Norway Proposes 'Methane Credits' To save Moose
• Study: Nearly Half of All Students Below Average
• NAACP Warns Of Growing Hispanic Oppression
• Pentagon Leaks Canadian Invasion Plans
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Metro Archives
FOX Anchor Wins National Championship
Morgan CHARLOTTE, NC - The annual nationwide search for America's favorite local television news personality has resulted in a championship for a North Carolina anchorwoman. Morgan Fogarty, of WCCB FOX Charlotte won Info Babe Madness 2009, narrowly defeating defending champion Kim Fischer of WOAI in San Antonio for the title (full story here)

Combination Of Viagra And ExtenZe Proves Deadly
Cruise JACKSONVILLE, FL - A mixture of two popular erectile dysfunction medications has lead to the untimely death of a local man. Reginald Grunger, 52, apparently lost his balance and fell off the deck of a cruise ship while vacationing with his wife. Cruise line officials confirmed that Grunger had ingested large amounts of both Viagra and ExtenZe before the accident (full story here)

Florida Fires 22 Poll Workers Named Chad
Chad TALLAHASSEE, FL - In anticipation of another close presidential race in Florida, the Department of State yesterday fired all poll workers statewide named Chad. Department officials, desperately trying to avoid the unacceptable behavior of Chads eight years ago, made the move one day before what is expected to be a record breaking (full story here)

Illiteracy Among Graduates Down
Illiterate TALLAHASSEE, FL - A report issued today by the Department of Education reveals that the expected illiteracy rate among high school graduates will decline significantly this year. This marks the first time in several decades that this benchmark has fallen in two consecutive years. The expected illiteracy rate of 32% is down from 33% last year (full story here)

PETA Executive Implicated In Meat-Eating Scandal
Surveillance NORFOLK, VA - Ingrid Newberg, executive director of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, faced a chorus of calls for her resignation today as she was engulfed in a meat-eating scandal involving a high-priced butcher. (full story here)

Breakthrough In O.J.'s Investigation
OJ LAS VEGAS, NV - Nearly thirteen years after promising to hunt down the real killers of his estranged wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman, O.J. Simpson announced today that there has been a breakthrough in his investigation. After sifting through voluminous evidence from his own trial, Simpson has determined that the pair was killed with a large knife. (full story here)

Ruling Leaves Rubber Testicle Cases Hanging
Rubber RICHMOND, VA - A Circuit Court ruling today has suspended several civil cases involving rubber testicle bumper decorations. The cases were put on hold pending legislation now before the Virginia General Assembly to outlaw the popular accessories. Litigants claim (full story here)

Teachers Union Demands Smarter Students
Not MINNEAPOLIS, MN - The debate over new evaluation guidelines continues to intensify after three days of negotiations between the Education Department and the state's largest teachers union. The proposed guidelines are under fire from teachers over the increased emphasis on student performance and the diminished influence of tenure. (full story here)

City Installs Festivus Pole
Festivus NEW HAVEN, CT - In an effort to recognize the diverse traditions of the holiday season, the City has installed a Festivus pole in the Market Street square. A dedication ceremony is scheduled for Saturday afternoon. With the addition of this new holiday centerpiece, the square is now thought to be the most diverse public display of late fall holiday (full story here)

Reindeer Decoration Pranks On The Rise
Horny JACKSONVILLE, FL - Reports of vandalism to Christmas decorations involving lighted reindeer continue to mount, according to police records. The Sheriff's Department admits they have very few leads to stem the rising problem. The pranks, occurring in all parts of the city, involve repositioning the reindeer into poses that many residents have found inappropriate. (full story here)

Lack Of Smokers Causing Budget Shortfall
Designated MINNEAPOLIS, MN - A sharp decrease in cigarette tax revenue is to blame for this year's budget shortfall, according to city officials. The tax, originally imposed to fund the Theodore Gauss Emphysema Research Center at the University of Minnesota, was doubled last year to supplement (full story here)

Dyslexic Student Expelled Over Toy Gnu
Toy WATERBURY, CT - A fourth grade Oakville student has been expelled from a Waterbury school for bringing a toy gnu onto the property. The action falls under the school district's 'zero tolerance' policy, according to administrators. Officials believe the student, who is dyslexic, tried to intentionally (full story here)

Minority Groups Seek Halloween Candy Subsidies
Wealthy ATLANTA, GA - An alliance of several minority groups announced a major campaign to secure Halloween candy subsidies for children in low-income and minority neighborhoods. The action comes on the heels of a recent survey that revealed the sobering fact (full story here)

City Bans Dick Cheney Costumes
Dick SEATTLE, WA - The City Council has voted unanimously to ban Dick Cheney costumes inside the city limits, citing the likeness as 'too frightening'. The ruling came three days after a traffic incident that involved a male driver wearing the costume, injuring four people. A woman driving alongside claims the sight of the mask caused her to drive into (full story here)

Autopsy: Vick's Fighting Dogs Fought Back
Pit RICHMOND, VA - Autopsy records of one on the pit bulls killed in the Michael Vick dog fighting case indicate the animal may have fought back against its handlers. The image of what appears to be the top two joints of a human finger was found on a x-ray of 'Jane' (full story here)

Psychic Cat Found Dead
Oscar PROVIDENCE, RI - Oscar, the nursing home cat who could seemingly sense the impending death of patients, was found dead early yesterday. The cat gained recent notoriety when reports of his ability to detect the impending death of the terminally ill became public. Seemingly aware that death was (full story here)

Other News
Attacker Severs Man's Hand, Gets Pummeled With Stump
Drugstore Stops Selling Chia Obama
Little League Coach Sacrifices Snake To Lift Curse
Man Uses Fish As Deadly Missle
Husband Jumps Out Window To Escape Nagging Wife - Twice
Cat Burglar Steals Gloves And Underwear
Latest Research: Scratching Relieves Itching
Study: Non-Smokers Live Too Long
Woman Charged With Breastfeeding While Driving
Pigeons Smuggle Cellphones Into Brazilian Prison
Woman Divorces Husband For Cleaning Too Much
Taking Columbus Out Of Columbus Day
Woman Calls 911 Over Lack Of Shrimp
Man Coughs Up Rusty Nail After 30 Years
Plane Takes Off Without Pilot
Cannibal, Or Just Hungry?
Ninja Suit Helps One Flipper Turtle Swim
Musclebaby
The Afghan-Roman Sewer People
House Passes Bill Too Gross To Talk About
DMV Removes TOFU From License Plate
Hen Lays Green Eggs But No Ham
Humans Are Not Descendants Of Sponges
The Two-Nosed Rabbit
Charges To Be Dropped If Murder Victim Rises From Dead
Men Fishing With Dynamite Catch Diver
E.T. Spotted On Google Street View
Man Attacks Mother-In-Law With Anti-Tank Missile
Man Sentence To 90 Days For Sex With Vacuum
Cattle Mutilations Making A Comeback
Man Charged With DUI While On Barstool
Norwegians Baptize Infant In Lemon Cola
Rats Being Trained To Detect Land Mines
Thief Stages Robbery At Police Convention
UK Requires License To Play Classical Music To Horses
Man To Become Teenager For The Second Time
Officer Terminated For Losing Sense Of Smell
Skateboarding Parrot Stolen
Darwin Not Evolving
When Kangaroos Go Bad
Clothed Man Sparks Riot At Orgy
Gunman Steals Toilet Paper From Elderly Couple
Woman Howls Like A Wolf
Oregon Arsonist Targets Green Ford Escorts
Woman Calls 911 Over McNugget Shortage
Workers Stage ‘Fight Club’ At Mental Institution
Pool Closes When Wet
Woman Bites Police After Dogs Taken
Man Finds Ten Human Teeth In New Wallet
Groom Robbed Banks To Pay For Wedding
West Virginia Lawmaker Seeks To Outlaw Barbie
Robot Teacher Launched In Japan
Pet Shop Received Dead Man Instead Of Tropical Fish
The Secrets Of Belly Button Lint
Parrots Teach Fireman To Talk
Chicken Lays Egg Shaped Like Bowling Pin
The Man With Two Hearts
Vampire Grave Found In Venice
Catholics To Give Up Texting For Lent
Chinese Mistress Contest Ends in Tragedy
See The World's Longest Ear Hair
New Product Lets Women Pee Standing Up
Scientist Studies Whoopie Cushions
Elk Has Barstool Stuck On Head
Skull And Bones Club Sued By Descendants Of Geronimo
Boy Marries Dog To Ward Off Tigers
Man Executes TV During Standoff
Armless Pilot Finally Earns Wings
Woman Makes Clothes From Her Hair
Naked Swedish Police Party To Be Probed
Who Knew? Male Whales Prefer Enormous Females
India To Patent Yoga Poses
Wyoming To Ban Online Hunting
Company Apologizes For Calling Blind Man 'Mr. Blind Man'
Pig Burns Down House
Climb A Rope Into Space
Fake Agent In Clown Suit Scams Immigrants
Buddhist Temple Built With Beer Bottles
Man Jailed For Whistling Addams Family Tune
Shooting Victim Spits Out Bullet
Man Stops To Take Leak, Car Rolls Off Cliff
Student With Stinky Feet Allowed Back To Class
Injured Deer Stumbles Into Vet Clinic
Police Arrest Handcuffed Man
How to Break Up With A Vampire
Man Robs Store With Star Trek Sword
The 100 Wierdest College Courses
Police Put Electronic Tag On Man's Prosthetic Leg
Sister Beats Up Bride At Wedding Reception
S.F. Police Seek Toilet Torcher
Airport Workers Play Chicken With Baggage Carts
Psychopath's Guide To Early Release
Breakthrough in Broken Windows
Unpopular Name Can Lead To Life Of Crime
World Record Fingernails Broken In Car Crash
Orphaned Chimps Smarter Than Humans
Oceans Being Invaded By Immortal Jellyfish
Drunken Pedestrians Arrested At DUI Checkpoint
Club Burns Hosting Band 'Hillside Fire'
How Belly Buttons Can Attract A Mate
Student Sues School Over Lizard Feces
Can Marriage Survive Honesty?
Racers Run 2 Miles, Eat 12 Doughnuts, Run Back
India To Sell Cow Urine As Soft Drink
DNA To Blame For Economic Woes
The Baby That Won't Grow
Obese Toddlers Get Exercise Classes
Sleeping For $10 An Hour
Top 10 Strangest Museums
Divorced Couple Saw House In Hal
Thief Beaten Up By Six-Year-Old Girl
The Islamic Chuckie Doll
Woman Shot By Stove
National Debt Clock Runs Out Of Digits
Rap Fan Sentenced To Classical Music
Inkbandit Tees - Click Here
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