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Autopsy: Vick's Fighting Dogs Fought Back
Pit Bull X-Ray RICHMOND, VA - Autopsy records of one on the pit bulls killed in the Michael Vick dog fighting case indicate the animal may have fought back against its handlers. The image of what appears to be the top two joints of a human finger was found on a x-ray of 'Jane', a female pit bull killed at the 'Bad Newz Kennels'. The Daily Redundancy obtained the records from a reputable source in the Justice Department who asked not to be identified. (full story here)

NAACP Warns Of Growing Hispanic Oppression
Arrest in Progress LOS ANGELES, CA - A report released today by the National African-American Coalition of People documents increasing oppression by Hispanics, according to the coalition. The report is based on a recent study by the University of California at Santa Clara that analyzed the relationship between crime and poverty. The NAACP's report claims that the study highlights alarming disparities along racial lines... (full story here)

Study: Nearly Half Of All Students Below Average
Below Average Student CAMBRIDGE, MA - A new education study has revealed the sobering fact that nearly half of all junior and senior high school students scored below average on standardized tests. "We're very disappointed", says Caroline Sisselman, Assistant School Superintendent. "We thought we had made more progress since the last study." That previous study also reported that nearly half of the scores were below average, but after a two year internal audit of the raw data, that assessment was lowered to exactly half... (full story here)

Councilman Issues Apology Apology Apology
Press Conference MARYSTOWN, PA - At a press conference today Councilman Benjamin Moneypacker issued an apology apology apology stemming from an offensive statement made two weeks ago. "I sincerely regret excluding anyone from my apology apology last week", said Moneypacker, adding "I hope this can bring closure to this unfortunate misunderstanding.

Illiteracy groups were outraged when Moneypacker's apology apology was issued as a written press release... (full story here)

Six Cars In Lake After Mishap
Cars In Water MINNEKONKATONKA, MN - A bizarre incident on Highway 6 in Hightower County left six cars submerged in Lake Minnekonkatonka. Recovery workers spent three hours removing the vehicles, while local residents comforted the victims. No serious injuries were reported. "It was horrible!" said Marianne Jones, driver of the first car to go into the lake. "I was just driving along, and all of sudden the car is flooding - I'm still not sure exactly what happened... (full story here)

Local Man Released From Chinese Finger Prison
Grunger Mugshot MARYSTOWN, PA - A local man was released today after serving a one-year sentence in a Chinese finger prison. Reginald Grunger, 32 - a longtime petty theft criminal - was given the unusual sentence after his fifteenth conviction by County Judge Harold Brasstones. Brasstones handed down the sentence after a bizarre incident in the courtroom... (full story here)
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