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Baseball Fines Barry Bonds 100 Home Runs
Barry Bonds SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Borrowing on NASCAR's policy of deducting championship points for rule violations and public behavior, baseball will fine slugger Barry Bonds 100 home runs for past policy infractions. The commissioner will announce the penalty at a press conference later today. Bonds could not be reached for comment.

In a press release, the commissioner's office cited "hundreds" of media violations and public statements deemed "detrimental to the league". The seven-time National League MVP was well-known in media circles as being quite less than cordial....(full story here)

Bearclaws Coach: "We Stink"
Tyrone Shoelaces DUMPWATER, FL - The District 5 semifinal was called late in the fourth quarter when a melee broke out between the players that quickly escalated, involving fans of both teams as well. "They went spider monkey on us!" said Bruce Chestbarrel, Head Coach of the Crullers of South High. The trouble began when visiting Bearclaws players, apparently frustrated with the 77-0 score, began throwing manure at the home team. ... (full story here)

Sports Archives Destroyed By Tornado
Tornado Aftermath GARY, IN - The sports archives of The Daily Redundancy were destroyed by a tornado late Monday. Officials from the highly regarded cyber newspaper found the suburban warehouse in ruins after the storm. "It's a real blow to our ability to retrieve stats and scores." said a top executive of the paper, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. "We'll just have to start re-building the archive from scratch."

Meteorologists say the tornado approached quickly and unexpectedly from the southwest, leaving the warehouse unable to avoid the storm "It was over almost before it started." said Lionel Greymatter, Professor of Criminal Meteorology at Howyflyl University. "As with most cases of meteorological lawlessness, the victims have little warning of what is about to take place. Then they don't realize that the weather may be dangerous until it's too late." Investigators say there is little chance of apprehending the storm, as it dissipated and vanished shortly after destroying the warehouse
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