ATLANTA, GA - An analysis of the $787 billion stimulus package conducted by the Centers for Disease Control has revealed that no funding has been allocated to fight Whine Flu, which officials acknowledge has been spreading rapidly in recent months. Researchers speculate that the stimulus bill may actually be contributing to the spread of the illness. Those afflicted with the ailment suffer from rapid onsets of depression, fits of extreme hopelessness and complain about pretty much everything.
"I can't believe they're not going to do anything about this." said Dr. Rita Hutchins, Executive Director of the Whine Flu Task Force at the CDC. "I'd like to see them [Congress] cure a disease without any money."
Cases have been reported in numerous areas of academia. "There's $100 million in funding to study the migratory tendencies of the European swallow, but not a dime to study the same tendencies of the African swallow." said Myron Bigsbee, Professor of Avian Immigration at Howyflyl University. "I'd hate to think that race played a role in this."
Minorities and the poor seem to be hardest hit by this recent flu outbreak. "I got $400 for a digital television converter and $80 a month for high speed internet." said Phil Lerner, and unemployed typewriter salesman from East Lansing, MI. "But my service is bundled with my cable and cell phone - I just can't make ends meet."
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