JERSEY CITY, NJ - A new study has revealed startling information concerning one of America's favorite ethnic foods. In a rare collaboration of nutritionists and criminologists, researchers at Howyflyl University have uncovered a link between certain types of pasta and violent deaths. Using data going back to the early 20th century, the study concludes that eating spaghetti greatly increases your risk of being whacked by the mob.
"We were quite surprised at the outcome." said Luther Williams, professor of Gastric Criminology at Howyflyl, and co-author of the study. "Mob victims eating spaghetti outnumbered all other pasta dishes nearly two to one." The $15 million study, funded by the Food and Drug Administration, also indicated serious risks in eating cannoli and tortellini.
Pasta manufacturers, already suffering from high fuel prices and the sluggish housing market, may soon be required to place information labels on their products to warn consumers of the potential dangers. "We're taking these study results very seriously." said Vivian Fallworth, FDA's Deputy Secretary of Food Violence Prevention. "Consumers have the right to know if they're about to get clipped."
Some officials say labeling doesn't go far enough. "We need an immediate ban on the sale and consumption of spaghetti." said Albio Sires, Congressman from New Jersey's 13th District. "I will propose emergency legislation that will improve food safety and fight organized crime. Only a jamook would vote against that."
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