Major White House Renovation Imminent

WASHINGTON, DC - The long standing tradition of redecorating the White House upon the arrival of a new first family will likely be preceded by a major renovation after the upcoming election, according to officials at the General Services Administration. The agency says that no matter which of the three remaining candidates becomes President, significant alterations to the building will be necessary to accommodate them.

"We already have our contingency plans in place." said David Kessler, senior project manager with the GSA. "[Senator John] McCain would probably be the easiest to accommodate, because we still have equipment and fixtures left over from the Reagan years. Among other things, we would have to install walk-in bathtubs, handrails in the hallways, and modify the desk in the Oval Office so you can park a Rascal behind it."

Kessler says the Clintons would require a much more significant effort, as all furnishings would have to be permanently bolted to the floor, and surveillance cameras placed in the many 'special places' of the former President. "We would also increase the soundproofing in the residence section." added Kessler "The Clinton's private conversations can be quite loud."

The prospect of Barack Obama occupying the White House poses an unprecedented challenge for Kessler. Transforming the mansion into the residence of a young, urban African-American could be a formidable task. "We're still doing some research, but we know the kitchen will need quite a bit of work." said Kessler. "Of course there are obvious things, like setting the goals in the gym back to regulation height, and lowering all the urinals."

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