Early Holiday Sales Slowest In 2,000 Years

CHICAGO, IL - A statement released today by the National Retailer's Association declares that early holiday sales are the slowest ever. When adjusted for inflation and seasonal influences, the Association claims the data foretells the worst holiday sales figures in history. The Daily Redundancy has conducted research indicates a sales history that extends back over 2,000 years.

"The early numbers never lie." said Phillip Wellington, Executive Director of the NRA. "There's a reason they call it 'Black Friday.' If we're not in the black that day, well, then...it will, things will probably be pretty bad."

The Friday after Thanksgiving has been traditionally known for huge sales and early morning storefront pandemonium, a barometer of the holiday season to come. Early police reports indicate a sharp drop in assaults from previous years, seemingly underscoring the lack of shopper passion revealed by the Association.

Experts, however, dispel the claim that the lull is of historic proportions. "There is plenty of evidence that this seasonal shopping predates Thanksgiving itself." said C. Hubert Jenkins, professor of Economic Anthropology at Howyflyl University. "We have records indicating activity as early as 4 B.C. I doubt the retail market has never been worse."

Jenkins says the Association's data may be skewed by the present market value of purchases made through history. "Spices were popular as gifts in the 1st century, and although nearly worthless today, at the time they were quite pricey. Incense kept its value until the market was flooded in the 1960's. I believe if the Association tied its data to some standard, say gold perhaps, their results would be less dramatic."

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