LAS VEGAS, NV - Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama today promised that all Americans would have high-speed internet access under his administration. The pledge drew a standing ovation from the young crowd gathered at a rally in a North Las Vegas
high school gymnasium. Attempting to distinguish himself from the crowded Democratic field, Obama hopes to augment the universal health care that all the other candidates already support.
"Let's face the facts." said Obama during his speech. "We all know that healthcare is the most important thing to Americans, but it's not something you use everyday. High-speed internet access will improve each and every American's quality of life each and every day."
"I think it's a great idea." said Tiffany Feltman, student and Obama supporter. "It takes forever to update my MySpace page on dial-up. I hope he gives us wireless too."
Obama hopes to attract voters like Tiffany who need a high-speed connection but cannot afford one. "It's time we put a stop to internet provider's obscene profits that put high-speed access out of reach of many Americans. No citizen of this country should be denied the right to video on demand and incredibly fast downloads."
Obama's opponents, who privately concede the brilliance of his plan, must now carefully counter without appearing to copy Obama's strategy. "Oprah got plenty of positive push by giving away all those cars." said one Democratic strategist, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. "A plan like that could save the nation's automobile industry as well."
Hillary Clinton seems best poised to up the ante on Obama, as she has already promised $5,000 to each newborn child, who wouldn't immediately need high-speed internet access. Insiders speculate within the next few days she will revise her plan to $7,255 and a 1 Gig iPod.
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