Promising Breakthrough In Flatulence Research

BOSTON, MA - Researchers probing the mysteries of flatus gasses have discovered a microbe that can be genetically altered to effectively negate the unpleasant odor of flatulence. The organism - that resides naturally in the digestive tract - can reportedly be modified according to an individual's DNA to avoid producing certain objectionable compounds. The researchers speculate that it may one day even be possible to select custom scented gaseous evacuations.

"We're very excited about the potential of this project." said Nicholas Pherline, Professor of Gastrointestinal Microbiology at Howyflyl University, lead researcher of the project. "Flatulence has always had a socially unacceptable connotation, even though it is a quite natural phenomenon. By removing the smell, we can remove the stigma."

Nutritionists suggest that in addition to the appreciative nostrils of bystanders, there may be additional health benefits for 'he who dealt it' as well. "There hasn't been a lot of study in this area, but it's generally agreed that it's unhealthy to voluntarily hold flatus gasses in." says Olivia Decrembie, Nutritionist at the Department of Health. "Without the fear of emitting an offensive odor, a person may digest more naturally and comfortably."

Researchers say the key breakthrough was in how to manipulate the microbe's genes. "We realized that the microbe must be customized to each individual." said Pherline. "The foul odors are mostly contributable to sulfurous compounds, resembling the smell of rotten eggs or a pumpkin, perhaps. But these compounds can be chemically quite different from person to person, which is why most people think their own farts smell OK."

The prospect of designer flatus gasses is not farfetched, according to Pherline: "Right now we're just trying to get odorless" he said. "But once perfected, there's no reason we can't replicate any aroma, perhaps a favorite cologne, a dewy meadow, or maybe even a breath mint. You could even have scents for special occasions, such as roasted chestnuts at Christmas, or cocoa butter for that trip to the beach."

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