SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Borrowing on NASCAR's policy of deducting championship points for rule violations and public behavior, baseball will fine slugger Barry Bonds 100 home runs for past policy infractions.
The commissioner will announce the penalty at a press conference later today. Bonds could not be reached for comment.
 In a press release, the commissioner's office cited "hundreds" of media violations and public
statements deemed "detrimental to the league". The seven-time National League MVP was well-known in media circles as being quite less than cordial to reporters from his easy chair in the Giants locker room. "The guy's a
real jerk." says an unnamed official from the commissioner's office, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. "We like what NASCAR's doing to their guys who don't toe the line. It's about time we gave something like that a shot."
Some baseball scholars, though, point out that being a jerk may actually be more traditional than most people realize. "People forget about Ty Cobb beating up a heckler with no hands, and when asked about it, saying 'I don't care
if he's got no feet.'" recalled Harold Doubleday, Professor of Sports Etiquette at Howyflyl University. "And, you have Ben Chapman, manager of the 1947 Phillies, who told his pitchers to bean Jackie Robinson on a full count. Then, of course,
there's John Rocker, who nobody would even know about if he weren't such a jerk. The list goes on and on."
The official from the commissioner's office would not elaborate on the specifics of the infractions, noting only that they were "quite numerous". When asked about the timing of the fine and Bond's current attempt to break the all-time home run
record, the official insisted it was "purely coincidental", and was the culmination of a "lengthy investigation". "As a matter of fact," he added, "the investigation was so lengthy we had forgotten about it until recently."
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