| Sectarian Church To Invest in Gaydar |
ATLANTA, GA - The Daily Redundancy has learned that the United Sectarian Church plans to make a $500,000 research grant to Howyflyl University for studies in 'gaydar' technology. This field of study, which allegedly explores the ability to detect homosexuals, is currently in its infancy. "We're
certainly not ready to put anything on the market" says Lionel Greymatter, Professor of Neurological Anthroplology at the University. "Right now, we know some people possess intuitive skills in this area that may trigger an auto-immune response. We plan to focus our research on that."
Church officials deny that the grant is strictly for gaydar research. "We're making a contribution to a fine academic institution." says Bishop Furman Freeman, Grand Rector
of the local dionysis. "We support whatever research they choose to pursue."
Civil rights groups suspect the Church may have other motives. "The Sectarian Church has made their views of homosexuality quite clear." said Glenda Estruchen, Executive Director of the Gay, Lesbian, Trangendered and Gender-Neutral Social Action Committee." We believe
they want a device to identify homosexuals and exclude them from their congregations. We may have no interest in attending their church, because of their attitudes and all, but something like this may motivate us to go anyway. You know, for spite."
Sources with close ties to the church, however, tell The Daily Redundancy that the device may be intended for internal use. "We don't want the same thing that happened to that other church." said the source, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. "We welcome anyone into our congregation, no
matter what's wrong with them. We just can't have deviants in our priesthood."
Meanwhile, Greymatter and his colleagues intend to canvass local establishments to recruit research subjects. "We need raw data from real people." he says. "If we're going to make any breakthroughs, we've got to get as many volunteers behind us as we can."
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