WASHINGTON, DC - The Senate today passed landmark legislation that makes it a Federal offense to "run, jog, trot, or walk very quickly while conveying scissors or shears." Dubbed 'The Cutting Implement Transportation and Safety Act', the legislation will go into effect on October 1st.
 "This is a great day in pedestrian safety" said Senator Preston Whiteshirt, the ranking sponsor of the bill. "Everyone involved should feel a great sense of
pride, because today we enact into law what mother always told us, and who among us can say that mother didn't know best" Representative Wanda Gerrymander, sponsor of the House version of the bill, agrees. "This bill is chock full of family values. And for the citizens of this country unfortunate
enough to lack those values, we hear you."
The bill contains no stipulations for punishment, nor any funding for enforcement. Lawmakers say it will be up to the individual states to determine fines and penalties, and to devise enforcement methods.
The passing of the Act culminates a month of debate that began with the heart wrenching testimony of Jonathan Fiskars before the House Subcommittee on Child Safety. Jonathan, or 'Johnny' as he is called by family and friends, lost his right eye to a tragic scissors incident when he was six.
His mother, Felicia, explained that her family never realized the dangers. "It was sort of a tradition. Grandpa Gus, who was a gardener and a jogger, used to train for marathons carrying hedge trimmers and tree pruners. Instead of a little rattle when the grandchildren began to crawl, he would give them nose hair clippers. It was so cute."
Some critics, though, thought the bill may be too intrusive. Representative "Red" Rock Stone was the most vocal opponent. "What are we going to do next, ban smoking?" The bill also did not sit well with the extreme gaming community, many of whom were considering adding scissor running events to
sanctioned competitions. But opposition was eventually crushed by a powerful, podium pounding speech by Senator Whiteshirt that culminated with the soon to be historic words "...a vote against this bill is a vote against little one-eyed Johnny."
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