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Australia Now An Island, Greenland Miffed
Favre Undergoes ESPN Surgery
Sanchez Recovering From ESPN Implant Surgery
Experts: Mask Sales Could Save Economy
Appeal Of Womens Volleyball Surprising
Study: Holiday Feasts Increase Global Warming
Blagojevich Reaches Deal With Nike
Running With Scissors Now Federal Offense
McNabb Impressive In Loss
Congress To Investigate Britney Spears
GM's New Focus: Wind Hybrids
SUV Bubble Causing Transportation Crisis
Obscene Guitarist Gets Probation, Fine
'Sex And The City' Bolsters Horse Face Awards
Blagojevich Reaches Deal With Nike
Manning Defiles Another Colts Record
Obama Changes Middle Name To Billy Ray
Somali Pirates Vote To Unionize
PETA Demands Ban On Pig Lipstick
Report: Homeless Lifestyle Healthier Than Most
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FDA Cracks Down On Food Porn
Food Porn WASHINGTON, DC - The Food and Drug Administration unveiled tough new guidelines today designed to regulate certain provocative food advertisements and programming, widely known in the industry as 'food porn'. The new regulations apply to all print, broadcast and cable media, and are to be (full story here)

Stimulus Offers No Help For Whine Flu
Whine Flu Sufferer ATLANTA, GA - An analysis of the $787 billion stimulus package conducted by the Centers for Disease Control has revealed that no funding has been allocated to fight Whine Flu, which officials acknowledge has been spreading rapidly in recent months. Researchers (full story here)

Source: Miss California Removed Matress Tag
Felony Tag Remover LOS ANGELES, CA - The controversy surrounding Carrie Prejean, the reigning Miss California, continued to deepen today as new allegations from her troubled past surfaced. According to a family acquaintance, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity, (full story here)

Sanchez Recovering From ESPN Implant Surgery
Mark Sanchez BRISTOL, CT - Rookie New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is reportedly resting comfortably after routine ESPN rectal implant surgery, performed Tuesday at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York. The former USC star flew to New York on Sunday for a pre-operative examination with ESPN draft analysts, who recommended (full story here)

CIA's New Interrogation Techniques Revealed
Gitmo WASHINGTON, DC - Seeking new ways to extract valuable intelligence from enemy combatants, the CIA has embarked on a program of innovative interrogation techniques that do not involve physical contact with the subject. In an effort to quell public suspicion, the agency has released a training video (full story here)

'Shoe-icide' Attacks Continue To Rise
Shoe-icide NEW YORK, NY - A new United Nations report indicates 'shoe-icide' attacks are increasing worldwide. The study reveals that shoe-icide attackers are both emboldened by the attack on former president Bush last year, and proud (full story here)

Experts: Mask Sales Could Save Economy
Swine CAMBRIDGE, MA - Some economic experts are cautiously optimistic that there may be an unexpected benefit to the swine flu epidemic threatening millions of Americans. Sales of surgical masks, which have skyrocketed in recent weeks (full story here)

Congress Votes To Give Up Fancy Ketchup
Fancy WASHINGTON, DC - In response to President Obama's bold challenge to cut government spending by $100 million, Congress voted today to cut fancy ketchup from its catering and cafeteria budget. The move is expected to generate nearly half of the savings (full story here)

Somali Pirates Vote To Unionize
Somali NAIROBI, KENYA - Somali pirates today voted in a secret ballot to organize under a labor union agreement and enter into collective bargaining negotiations with the Somali warlords (full story here)

Study Focuses On Plight Of Whites
Dorky MILWAUKEE, WI - A groundbreaking new study conducted by Howyflyl University focuses for the first time on the plight of white people in America. The University also produced a training video, to raise awareness of the little known hardships of everyday life for Caucasian-Americans (full story here)

GM's New Focus: Wind Hybrids
Venti DETROIT, MI - General Motors intends to create a new auto division as part of its plan to avoid Chapter 11 bankruptcy, according to sources inside the company. The division will focus on the production of wind hybrids - a new, yet unproven technology that combines wind power, battery operated electrical motors and (full story here)

Ousted Idol "Didn't See It Coming"
Scott HOLLYWOOD, CA - Scott Macintyre, the latest contestant to leave American Idol, reportedly was blindsided by Wednesday evening's voting results. Inside sources say the performer was particularly annoyed that he was eliminated after heeding the judges advice (full story here)

FOX Anchor Wins National Championship
Morgan CHARLOTTE, NC - The annual nationwide search for America's favorite local television news personality has resulted in a championship for a North Carolina anchorwoman. Morgan Fogarty, of WCCB FOX Charlotte won Info Babe Madness 2009, narrowly defeating defending champion Kim Fischer of WOAI in San Antonio for the title (full story here)

Planet Noticeably Cooler During Earth Hour
Earth PASADENA, CA - Scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory released data today indicating an unmistakable cooling trend during 'Earth Hour'. The event, in which citizens voluntarily shut off unnecessary lights and appliances for one hour, was held to raise awareness (full story here)

ASM To Inroduce The Urban Snuggie
Urban LOS ANGELES, CA - ASM, makers of the wildly poular Snuggie, has announced a new product line to appeal to a more cosmopolitan market. The company plans to introduce the Urban Snuggie at a trade show next week here in Los Angeles. (full story here)

NFL To Adopt OSHA Standards
Workplace DANA POINT, CA - Members of the competition committee here at the NFL owner's meeting have voted to adopt OSHA standards into the official rulebook. Inspectors from the workplace safety organization will be invited to all NFL (full story here)

Other News
Cat Killer Joined 'Catch The Cat Killer' Group
Wrecking Crew Knocks Down Wrong House
Carrot Bomb Sparks Widespread Panic
Woman Run Over Teaching 11 Year Old To Drive
Man Had Broken Leg For 29 Years
Cops Gun Down Vicious Miniature Dachshund
Classic Firebird Crushed By Average Fire Truck
Burglar Bites Through Steel Bars
Police Strip Search Woman To Find Pink Tattoo
Man In Purple Bra Arrested For Car Robbery
Brewery Workers Volunteer For Overtime
Judge: Honking Horn Unconstitutional
Schoolboy Hit By Meteorite
Man Arrested For Mowing Grass At Park
Lawmaker Wants To Deny Voting Rights For Dead
Fat? Probably Your Fault
Boston Parking Space Sells For $300,000
Woman Groped By Chuck E. Cheese
One Armed Golfer Hits Hole In One
Madonna of Orgasm Church To Change Its Name
Man Pretending To Fall Of Bridge Falls Off Bridge
Politician Has Legs Streched
Stinky Bank Customer Charged With Money Laundering
Cop Wins Donut Eating Contest For Third Time
Naked Wizard Tased By Police
Prince Harry Hasn't Washed Hair In Two Years
When Grandmas Break Bad
Homer Simpson Upsets Pet Dog
Teen Steals Cars To Pay For Lawyer
Marching Band Girl Beats Off Two Muggers
Man Gets Drunk Driving Grocery Store Rascal
Cop Resigns After Wife Steals Patrol Car
Good Samaritan Gets Parking Ticket
British Man Has Irish Accent After Surgery
84 Year Old Man Kicks Carjacker In The Balls
Clown Banned From Wearing Giant Shoes
Homeless Man Charged With Stealing Cologne
Psychic Finds Blown Away Chihuahua
Mr. T Passed Up For Jury Duty
Pregnant Woman Chased By Bear, Hit By Car
Attacker Severs Man's Hand, Gets Pummeled With Stump
Drugstore Stops Selling Chia Obama
Little League Coach Sacrifices Snake To Lift Curse
Man Uses Fish As Deadly Missle
Husband Jumps Out Window To Escape Nagging Wife - Twice
Cat Burglar Steals Gloves And Underwear
Latest Research: Scratching Relieves Itching
Study: Non-Smokers Live Too Long
Woman Charged With Breastfeeding While Driving
Pigeons Smuggle Cellphones Into Brazilian Prison
Woman Divorces Husband For Cleaning Too Much
Taking Columbus Out Of Columbus Day
Woman Calls 911 Over Lack Of Shrimp
Man Coughs Up Rusty Nail After 30 Years
Plane Takes Off Without Pilot
Cannibal, Or Just Hungry?
Ninja Suit Helps One Flipper Turtle Swim
Musclebaby
The Afghan-Roman Sewer People
House Passes Bill Too Gross To Talk About
DMV Removes TOFU From License Plate
Hen Lays Green Eggs But No Ham
Humans Are Not Descendants Of Sponges
The Two-Nosed Rabbit
Charges To Be Dropped If Murder Victim Rises From Dead
Men Fishing With Dynamite Catch Diver
E.T. Spotted On Google Street View
Man Attacks Mother-In-Law With Anti-Tank Missile
Man Sentence To 90 Days For Sex With Vacuum
Cattle Mutilations Making A Comeback
Man Charged With DUI While On Barstool
Norwegians Baptize Infant In Lemon Cola
Rats Being Trained To Detect Land Mines
Thief Stages Robbery At Police Convention
UK Requires License To Play Classical Music To Horses
Man To Become Teenager For The Second Time
Officer Terminated For Losing Sense Of Smell
Skateboarding Parrot Stolen
Darwin Not Evolving
When Kangaroos Go Bad
Clothed Man Sparks Riot At Orgy
Gunman Steals Toilet Paper From Elderly Couple
Woman Howls Like A Wolf
Oregon Arsonist Targets Green Ford Escorts
Woman Calls 911 Over McNugget Shortage
Workers Stage ‘Fight Club’ At Mental Institution
Pool Closes When Wet
Woman Bites Police After Dogs Taken
Man Finds Ten Human Teeth In New Wallet
Groom Robbed Banks To Pay For Wedding
West Virginia Lawmaker Seeks To Outlaw Barbie
Robot Teacher Launched In Japan
Pet Shop Received Dead Man Instead Of Tropical Fish
The Secrets Of Belly Button Lint
Parrots Teach Fireman To Talk
Chicken Lays Egg Shaped Like Bowling Pin
The Man With Two Hearts
Vampire Grave Found In Venice
Catholics To Give Up Texting For Lent
Chinese Mistress Contest Ends in Tragedy
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