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Spork Bandit Captured
Mattel To Introduce 'Grief Counselor Barbie'
Australia Now An Island, Greenland Miffed
Chevron To Cut Gas Prices By 9 Tenths
Study Reveals New Pasta Dangers
Fear Of DTV Babies Delays Switch
Combination Of Viagra And ExtenZe Proves Deadly
UN Issues Apology To Neanderthals
Feds Promote 'Rap As A Second Language'
Somalis Celebrate Patriots Perfect Season
Satanic Priest Defrocked For 'Snitching'
SUV Bubble Causing Transportation Crisis
Sci-Fi Remake Drops Insensitive Title
Sectarian Church to Invest In Gaydar
Conspiracy At 'Deal Or No Deal'?
Survey: 97% Of Americans Have Problems
NAACP Protests Hurricane Names
Party Seeks Old Black Woman As Candidate
Clemens Denies Dating Hannah Montana
ASPCA Announces Coyote Hunt
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NASCAR Bans Upside Down Driving
Upside Down Driver TALLADEGA, AL - NASCAR officials have issued an immediate ban on driving upside down, after two blatant incidents at the Talladega Speedway on Sunday. Drivers Mark Martin and Ryan Newman (full story here)

UN Celebrates World Pneumonia Day
Pneumonia Bike Rally NEW YORK, NY - The United Nations unveiled a full schedule of ceremonies for the first World Pneumonia Day, in hopes of raising awareness of one of mankind's oldest diseases. Festivities are to include an unveiling (full story here)

West And Swift To Remake 'Ebony And Ivory'
Country Hip Hop Duo NASHVILLE, TN - In the aftermath of a dust-up at MTV's video music awards, Kanye West and Taylor Swift have announced a collaboration on a new music video project. The duo is slated to perform (full story here)

Favre Announces Retirement
Retired Brett Favre EDEN PRARIE, MN - Brett Favre has announced that he will retire following the 2010 season with the Minnesota Vikings. The surprise announcement came after the second day of practices with his new team, and ended hours of speculation regarding the star's (full story here)

ASPCA Announces Coyote Hunt
Murdering Coyote Scumbag DENVER, CO - An animal protection group has announced a bold plan to protect thousands of animals that are at risk of being victimized by unregulated carnivores. Wildlife experts say that every 10 seconds, somewhere in America (full story here)

Cambridge Officer Apologizes For Being White
Racist Policeman James Crowley CAMBRIDGE, MA - Sgt. James Crowley, the policeman at the center of Harvard professor Henry Gates' arrest controversy, has issued an official apology nearly two weeks after the incident occurred. In a written statement released through the Cambridge Police Media Office, Crowley admitted (full story here)

Obama's Approval Rating Drops Below 100%
Suprisingly Unpopular Obama WASHINGTON, DC - A new UPI /Gallup poll has revealed that President Barack Obama's broad appeal to the American people may be beginning to wane slightly. The poll, with a margin of error of plus or minus 45%, indicates Obama's approval rating has dipped below 100% for the first time (full story here)

FDA Cracks Down On Food Porn
Food Porn WASHINGTON, DC - The Food and Drug Administration unveiled tough new guidelines today designed to regulate certain provocative food advertisements and programming, widely known in the industry as 'food porn'. The new regulations apply to all print, broadcast and cable media, and are to be (full story here)

Stimulus Offers No Help For Whine Flu
Whine Flu Sufferer ATLANTA, GA - An analysis of the $787 billion stimulus package conducted by the Centers for Disease Control has revealed that no funding has been allocated to fight Whine Flu, which officials acknowledge has been spreading rapidly in recent months. Researchers (full story here)

Source: Miss California Removed Matress Tag
Felony Tag Remover LOS ANGELES, CA - The controversy surrounding Carrie Prejean, the reigning Miss California, continued to deepen today as new allegations from her troubled past surfaced. According to a family acquaintance, who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity, (full story here)

Sanchez Recovering From ESPN Implant Surgery
Mark Sanchez BRISTOL, CT - Rookie New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez is reportedly resting comfortably after routine ESPN rectal implant surgery, performed Tuesday at Mt. Sinai Hospital in New York. The former USC star flew to New York on Sunday for a pre-operative examination with ESPN draft analysts, who recommended (full story here)

CIA's New Interrogation Techniques Revealed
Gitmo Terrorist WASHINGTON, DC - Seeking new ways to extract valuable intelligence from enemy combatants, the CIA has embarked on a program of innovative interrogation techniques that do not involve physical contact with the subject. In an effort to quell public suspicion, the agency has released a training video (full story here)

'Shoe-icide' Attacks Continue To Rise
Shoe-icide NEW YORK, NY - A new United Nations report indicates 'shoe-icide' attacks are increasing worldwide. The study reveals that shoe-icide attackers are both emboldened by the attack on former president Bush last year, and proud (full story here)

Experts: Mask Sales Could Save Economy
Swine Flu Mask CAMBRIDGE, MA - Some economic experts are cautiously optimistic that there may be an unexpected benefit to the swine flu epidemic threatening millions of Americans. Sales of surgical masks, which have skyrocketed in recent weeks (full story here)

Congress Votes To Give Up Fancy Ketchup
Fancy Ketchup WASHINGTON, DC - In response to President Obama's bold challenge to cut government spending by $100 million, Congress voted today to cut fancy ketchup from its catering and cafeteria budget. The move is expected to generate nearly half of the savings (full story here)

Somali Pirates Vote To Unionize
Somali Union Member NAIROBI, KENYA - Somali pirates today voted in a secret ballot to organize under a labor union agreement and enter into collective bargaining negotiations with the Somali warlords (full story here)

Other News
Man Carrying Cash Register Suspect In Robbery
Beauty Contest Judge Beaten With Trophy
Man Charged $23 Quadrillion For Cigarettes
Nude Statue Accused Of Being Naked
Stick Figures In Peril
Man Sues Over Condom In Soup
Running Toilet Terrorizes Children
The Seeing Eye Dog Dog
Cops Mace Berserk Groundhog
Unmotivated Motivational Speaker Hires Homeless Man To Kill Him
Pig Born With Monkey-Face
This Just In: Cigarettes And Propane Don't Mix
Vandals Paint Graffiti On Farm Animals
Naked Girls Plow Fields For Rain
Buffalo Denies Arcade License To Chuck E. Cheese
Principal Fired For Dogpiling Students
Runaway Pig Has Facebook Page
The Carjacking Bikini Girl From Mississippi
Man Fondled By Female McDonald's Workers
Uncle Sues Nephew In Golf Cart Incident
Couple Marries Covered In Bees
Hawaii Targets Wienermobile
Company Makes Electricity From Onion Juice
Cruise Ship Impales Whale
Town Manager Fired For Marrying Porn Star
Cop Pulls Gun On Slow McDonald's Drive Thru Worker
Florida Authorizes Python Hunt
Cat Killer Joined 'Catch The Cat Killer' Group
Wrecking Crew Knocks Down Wrong House
Carrot Bomb Sparks Widespread Panic
Woman Run Over Teaching 11 Year Old To Drive
Man Had Broken Leg For 29 Years
Cops Gun Down Vicious Miniature Dachshund
Classic Firebird Crushed By Average Fire Truck
Burglar Bites Through Steel Bars
Police Strip Search Woman To Find Pink Tattoo
Man In Purple Bra Arrested For Car Robbery
Brewery Workers Volunteer For Overtime
Judge: Honking Horn Unconstitutional
Schoolboy Hit By Meteorite
Man Arrested For Mowing Grass At Park
Lawmaker Wants To Deny Voting Rights For Dead
Fat? Probably Your Fault
Boston Parking Space Sells For $300,000
Woman Groped By Chuck E. Cheese
One Armed Golfer Hits Hole In One
Madonna of Orgasm Church To Change Its Name
Man Pretending To Fall Of Bridge Falls Off Bridge
Politician Has Legs Streched
Stinky Bank Customer Charged With Money Laundering
Cop Wins Donut Eating Contest For Third Time
Naked Wizard Tased By Police
Prince Harry Hasn't Washed Hair In Two Years
When Grandmas Break Bad
Homer Simpson Upsets Pet Dog
Teen Steals Cars To Pay For Lawyer
Marching Band Girl Beats Off Two Muggers
Man Gets Drunk Driving Grocery Store Rascal
Cop Resigns After Wife Steals Patrol Car
Good Samaritan Gets Parking Ticket
British Man Has Irish Accent After Surgery
84 Year Old Man Kicks Carjacker In The Balls
Clown Banned From Wearing Giant Shoes
Homeless Man Charged With Stealing Cologne
Psychic Finds Blown Away Chihuahua
Mr. T Passed Up For Jury Duty
Pregnant Woman Chased By Bear, Hit By Car
Attacker Severs Man's Hand, Gets Pummeled With Stump
Drugstore Stops Selling Chia Obama
Little League Coach Sacrifices Snake To Lift Curse
Man Uses Fish As Deadly Missle
Husband Jumps Out Window To Escape Nagging Wife - Twice
Cat Burglar Steals Gloves And Underwear
Latest Research: Scratching Relieves Itching
Study: Non-Smokers Live Too Long
Woman Charged With Breastfeeding While Driving
Pigeons Smuggle Cellphones Into Brazilian Prison
Woman Divorces Husband For Cleaning Too Much
Taking Columbus Out Of Columbus Day
Woman Calls 911 Over Lack Of Shrimp
Man Coughs Up Rusty Nail After 30 Years
Plane Takes Off Without Pilot
Cannibal, Or Just Hungry?
Ninja Suit Helps One Flipper Turtle Swim
Musclebaby
The Afghan-Roman Sewer People
House Passes Bill Too Gross To Talk About
DMV Removes TOFU From License Plate
Hen Lays Green Eggs But No Ham
Humans Are Not Descendants Of Sponges
The Two-Nosed Rabbit
Charges To Be Dropped If Murder Victim Rises From Dead
Men Fishing With Dynamite Catch Diver
E.T. Spotted On Google Street View
Man Attacks Mother-In-Law With Anti-Tank Missile
Man Sentence To 90 Days For Sex With Vacuum
Cattle Mutilations Making A Comeback
Man Charged With DUI While On Barstool
Norwegians Baptize Infant In Lemon Cola
Rats Being Trained To Detect Land Mines
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